Cycling

I really like the joke that Baxter Black told at Hooper when we went to see him perform. It goes something like this.

"As a Veterinarian, I am occasionally asked to serve as a judge for community contests -- a celebrity judge of sorts. Awhile back I was asked to judge a women's cycling contest. I had to think a few minutes before replying that I didn't know if I could get 28 days off."

Get it? Ha Ha. I saw several men in the crowd laugh, and then turn with a confused look on their faces to ask their wives a question. Then the light dawned. I have never been a big fan of women's cycling. Matter of fact, in the past 8 years I have only participated a handful of times. Reid was a honeymoon baby. Wyatt was conceived on my first cycle after Reid's birth. I had 3 cycles between Wyatt and Walter, and let's see.....1,2,3,4,5 cycles before something weird started happening and I had a full physical and pelvic exam and the subject of possible pregnancy wasn't even brought up. Hello Winona!

By breastfeeding my babies, I was able to trick the cycling moderator into giving me a year reprieve after each baby. Well, here it is not even a year after Winona's birth and I have already joined the contest. Yech. Before I went to college I never really understood that each woman experiences her cycles differently. My first roommate used 1-2 tampons per menstruation (WHAT!!!!), my second roommate slept for 24 hours straight at the beginning of her menstruation (just a tiny bit disrupting). This was very enlightening to me. My body must make a special blend of hormones that send me into a week long premenstrual funk, a week long of cramping and gushing, and a week long of recuperating. That gives me ONE whole week of being normal -- whatever that is. Hmmmmm.......that hardly seems fair. How many more years do I have to do this?

I miss being pregnant!!!!! No, no -- it's not what you think. I am not pregnant, will never be pregnant again. (No God, this is not a challenge for you to work a miracle -- just a statement of fact as I see it). I rather like not having a menstrual cycle, like having lush hair and mark-free skin, like not having to buy the BIG honkin' box of tampons at Costco every other month. Can I just order a few things from the menu without having to get the full-meal deal? Hmmmm..... Yes, I would like the cycle cessation with a side of beautiful skin, lush hair, even keel, and the full energy drink. No, no, -- I don't need the nausea, mood swings, weight gain, water retention, varicosities, and bouncing baby. (Ok--so I would take the baby if it was given to me, but I really don't need any more ;)

I am not complaining -- too much. This is afterall, the same body that gave me four soft, sweet, snuggly babies. But now that the baby part of my life is over, could I please have a break from the women's cycling contest? I will take up running, swimming, or yoga -- anything but cycling.